WOMEN and children, victims domestic violence and abuse, are being turned away daily from the Teach Tearmainn refuge in Kildare as half of the purpose built, state of the art centre, remains closed because of funding shortages.
On the anniversary of the 100th day of opening, manager at the refuge Jacinta Carey, described the difficulty of having to choose on a daily basis between families reaching out for help.
“Turning a woman away in the knowledge that two apartments remain empty is heart-breaking,” she said.
“Every time you have to do it, you feel like you are taking away her chance for safety. You are left wondering if you are sending her back to the abuse. You wonder will she reach out for help again now that we have been found wanting. You look into the eyes of the kids and feel like a liar, a traitor, useless in the face of family despair. Every time. It never gets easier. Believe me.”
At Teach Tearmainn they marked their first 100 days in operation this month since the opening the new refuge in late April. They already knew from a local support service that there was a huge demand for this long-awaited refuge in Kildare. Without any such service in the county years had been spent directing women and children to emergency accommodation in Dublin, Kilkenny and beyond.
“I will admit we opened with a mix of optimism and a twinge of apprehension. We knew that because of ongoing funding shortages and negotiations that we could only open two of the four family units in the new centre, but, as people who are hard-wired to help, we still felt that two units would be better than none,” she said.
In the first 100 days they provided emergency refuge and specialist support to nine women and their 19 children. But, in those same 100 days, they also had to turn away 60 women and 90 children.
“These were women who came to us, at all hours, in good faith and in hope, looking for safety from trauma and abuse. On our very first day alone, we had five requests for emergency accommodation but three women and their children had to be turned away.”
She said that on a daily basis the three staff members have to make a risk assessment of women’s situations.
“Who is in greatest danger? Who has other options? Who has children and who hasn’t? In other words, who is the most deserving? Imagine making those assessments about women who probably came to us as a last resort in the first place? It’s the cruelest roll of the dice.
“Luck and a lottery for space is just not a good enough response to domestic violence. It’s inexcusable on every level but that’s the only choice we have had most days of our 100.
“The fact that this emotional lottery is the reality, not just for Kildare, but for many refuges across the country, is really a reflection of how little we understand, respect and acknowledge the horrendous and often life-long impact of domestic violence on women, on children, and on society.”
Jacinta spoke about the reactions of children to everyday events that expose the troubles of some households.
“We had a friendly visit from the gardaí on their motor bikes one afternoon during our first 100 days. Normally children are fascinated by motorbikes, want to be lifted up onto them, put on the helmets. But, one of the little boys we had in our refuge at the time went into absolute meltdown the minute he saw the uniforms. For him, the gardaí only meant one thing – that home was a battleground, that home was so unsafe that these people in dark suits had to be called out to quell the violence that he had witnessed again and again.”
She added that domestic violence breaks women’s spirit, wrecks their confidence and takes away their ability to make decisions.
“We had one woman one night who asked us, ‘What time do you think the children should go to bed?’ We looked at her with surprise and empathy. ‘Whatever time you think they should.’ She had lost her confidence to make even simple or instinctive decisions about her family’s welfare.”
She spoke also about a little girl who was sullen and quieter than all the other kids.
“As it turns out, she wanted to be able to say that she missed her Daddy, the same Daddy that she knew had hurt her Mammy so much. She was a baby. She was already conflicted. She was already broken in allegiance, in love, in emotion, in loyalty. What a terrible place for a child to be.”
On a positive side the first 100 days at Teach Tearmainn brought many good times. Women using the refuge valued the homely atmosphere created there and the refuge received countless donations of food, toys, and clothing from the local community.
“We have chatted and laughed through tons of tea-bags,’ she added. “But what we need now is a state commitment to funding the refuge fully so that we can finally open our two fabulous new units.”
The centre needs an additional €80,000 a year.
“In the scheme of things, it’s a tiny amount really to provide security and safety to women at risk of violence and abuse. With this we could finally hire the two additional staff needed to provide the necessary professional 24 hour care and support needed to open up our two idle units. Then, we could house four women with up to 16 children at any time.
“This extra funding would also provide specialized services for children who are the too-often forgotten victims of domestic violence, and who need very special care to help them deal with what they have witnessed and experienced. We really want to move into our next 100 days knowing that we can say yes more times than we have to say no. Only full funding will make this a reality.”
