Which means filing tax returns. Which wouldn’t be a problem except for the fact that I have a degree in law, not in finance or accounting. I advocate and draft legal documents by day and write my column by night. I deal in words, not in numbers.
We’ve all heard about people who can usually avoid paying any tax whatsoever, and any that is paid is immediately claimed back. They’re able to use the loopholes and work the system to their advantage.
They can’t even go to Spar for a sandwich without filing the petrol and cash under “business lunch”. Sometimes it’s all above board; sometimes they’re a politician. But regardless of who they are, they’re inevitably vilified. Well let me state for the record that I want to be one of those people. (The non-Ansbacher ones, of course.) And with the upcoming Budget hanging over our heads, why wouldn’t I want to keep as much money in my back pocket as possible?
In fact, you’re more than welcome to leave a few quid in there yourself.
So yes, I’ve been looking for an accountant. Other accountants have previously filed tax returns for me, but it essentially involved me handing them a big bunch of receipts, and them later sending me some pages covered with numbers, which I then had to sign and return.
For all I know, they could have been communicating in binary, and I might actually have been signing over my kidneys and my first born.
This time will be different.
This time I want someone who will explain what all those numbers and headings mean. I’m looking for someone who will show me how to loop all those loopholes, and actively find ways to cut my tax bill.
Someone who will gladly answer all sorts of questions on “hypothetical” situations, the same way I constantly get people coming to me with questions along the lines of, “Let’s just say, for example, I’d done X. What kind of trouble would I be in?” (“Let’s just say, for example, I went to Spar for a sandwich...”) Someone who’s somewhere between just doing the basic tax returns, and opening several offshore accounts for me.
For the sake of research, I met with an accountant recently to suss him out. To see if he met my high standards (being anyone who has a basic grasp of tax matters and a calculator). And he did, indeed, explain some of the basics to me, and give me a sample of some of the things I could claim for. And, surprisingly, didn’t want my kidney or my limbs in return.
But the most important thing I learned from him came right at the end of our meeting when he was taking some of my details. Spotting the diamond on my ring finger, he asked if I was married. I said no, just engaged, and then asked if, from a tax point of view, I should get married or not. Jokingly, of course. (Hi, honey.) He then said one of the most profound things I’ve ever heard. One of those things that fits neatly under the “best advice I’ve ever received” category. He replied, “Marry for love, not for tax relief.”
So there you have it, folks, I think I’ve found my accountant. Not only are his fees quite reasonable but, clearly, he also gives out free relationship advice. An accountant and a love guru rolled into one. I suspect all my future problems will either be financial or marital; this guy will be my one-stop shop for solving both.
Let’s face it, I’m not going to find any better than a guy who could end up advising me to kill my husband and bury him in the back garden, and then help me claim the insurance and the cost of the shovel.