By Laura Hutchinson
SO I’ve decided to take up knitting. (Quiet in the back.) I’ve had a few very stressful weeks, so a nice relaxing hobby was called for. And I’ve always been interested in sewing and knitting and crocheting and the like. And bingo, as it happens. I’m an octogenarian trapped in the body of a 27- year old, who also has the mind of a five year old. Are you still following?
So yes, knitting it is. I’ve bought the wool and needles and everything. Just think of all the money I’ll save on birthday presents and Christmas gifts. I mean, who doesn’t love a multi-coloured scarf? I’ll be knocking out dresses and cardigans by the new year. By Easter I’ll have my own little shop beside Trinity College, selling woolly jumpers to tourists. My future children will have the finest mittens and hats the world has ever known. The sky’s the limit, really.
Eager not to get too far ahead of myself (but really I can’t see any way I won’t have a multi-million quid empire on my hands in the next year or so), I took to YouTube to look up some knitting tutorials. I mean, I figured that actually learning how to knit would be an advantage. Give me an edge over my competitors, like. That’s the kind of stuff they don’t teach you in Harvard or on an episode of the Apprentice, folks.
And it was on YouTube that I found a lovely lady named Judy who has over 100 videos about knitting. Before I knew it, I was casting on and doing knit stitches and purl stitches and then alternating knit and purl stitches. It was riveting stuff altogether. By the time I was done, I had a very fetching scarf that a baby mouse would be glad of come the snow.
Eager to learn more and quickly expand my knitting empire (from midget mice to actual people), I clicked on the link for Judy’s website, where I was promised more knitting tips. What I didn’t expect was the huge headline declaring Judy to be “Hollywood knitter to the stars”. I was already excited by the knitting, so this was about to push me right over the edge. Turns out, little YouTube Judy knits things for famous people. Like, actual famous people, not just makeyuppy famous people. I’m talking Barbra Streisand famous!
And right there amongst the stars, in between Tom Hanks and Diane Keaton (if you please), was only one of the best horror films ever, Nightmare on Elm Street! My very own wool coach has only knitted one of the most famous jumpers of all time - the red and olive striped jumper that Freddy Kreuger wore in all the Nightmare films. So you can forget your six degrees of separation (or, apparently, only 4.7 degrees now, thanks to Facebook), I have a direct link to a legend! And all it took was a ball of wool and an inquiring mind.
You see, kids, knitting can be fun! Frankly, it’s the new black. And there was you thinking you were so great with your discos and your fast cars and your modern technology. Nope, knitting’s where it’s at. All the cool kids are doing it. One minute you’re unwinding a ball of yarn, the next you’re rubbing (woolly) shoulders with the stars. Forget that little shop beside Trinity, I’m going to knit a suit for the next James Bond.
So move over Judy, I’ve got the luck of the Irish in my needles and I ain’t afraid to use ‘em. First job on my list? Knitting you some little booties you can shake in.