BECAUSE I am a kind and thoughtful soul, I thought some of you might have missed the first instalment of the Eurovision last Tuesday night.
“Oh no,” I thought to myself, “I bet people will be really sad and upset and what not. I had better record it in a verbal format for them. I’m sure they will thank me later.”
In typical methodical fashion, I have composed a live commentary of all 17 countries which performed. And here it is for you to enjoy. Try to maintain composure now, I know you are excited.
Moldova: There is a man with a trumpet in a very distracting pair of blue pants. I’m growing quite fond of the blue-trousered gent.
Russia: Not even a hint of glitter in sight. I’m disgusted. Hang on ... I think the singer has the words written on a piece of paper. Oh, the wind machine just cranked up. He’s just dropped the piece of paper. I don’t know what’s going on.
Estonia: I believe the Estonian singer is actually English. Oh, maybe he’s not. Well, in all fairness, he is putting on a very strong Cockney twang, it’s incredibly misleading. He’s doing a bit of a jig now because there is a “siren” in his head. One of the four backing singers just collapsed ... was that on purpose? There was no need for it.
Slovakia: Er ... there is a woman dressed in green leaves on stage, and another dressed as a fairy. Ah look, all the backing dancers are togged out in leaves too. Oh, the fairy just belted out a random “hallelujah”. The fairy’s really been sidelined here.
Finland: They all look like pixies. Oh great, a bit of clapping going on here, and some whooping. I feel like donning a pair of clogs and swinging the nearest child about a meadow.
Latvia: “Why are the skies blue and mountains high?” the singer asks us all. Actually, she said she also asked her uncle Joe “but he can’t speak”. This girl has a lot of questions but, apparently, “only Mr God knows the answers” ... righteyo.
Serbia: The guy singing is saying something which sounds like “vodka, vodka, vodka”. That’s all I’m taking away from this particular effort.
Bosnia and Herzegovina: Some dude is in a red jacket singing in English, but he doesn’t understand the words, although this is the time to melt the ice and overcome the past.
Poland: They are all eating apples. I wish I knew what was going on. And they have women dressed as peasant ladies. How amusing. Some girl’s blouse just got ripped off on stage ... why, I wonder, why?
Belgium: The song is called Me and my Guitar, and there is a guy on stage with his guitar. There is really no place for him in Eurovision.
Malta: Boring. WAIT! Angel wings have just appeared from nowhere behind the singer ... it’s actually a man in a leotard sporting the angel wings ... his man bits are protruding.
Albania: I’m very distracted by a man with unfortunate hair playing a violin. That’s about it, I’m afraid.
Greece: Everyone keeps shouting “whoopa”, and they are all stomping on the ground and stuff. Oh, they are all banging drums now, and they’re all whoopaing their little hearts out. Amazing.
Portugal: Boring. Sure no wonder they’ve never won the flipping Eurovision: everyone is asleep.
FYR Macedonia: Slightly creepy man with scantily clad dancers whom he seems to be grabbing about the neck in a move which is sure to anger women’s rights’ organisations across the globe.
Belarus: This is only saved by butterfly wings magically appearing from the girls’ dresses.
Iceland: Nothing to say here. I’m still irrationally angry with Iceland over that volcano, even though it did not affect me at all. I just think they could have felt a little guiltier than they seemed.