I’M in shock. Terrible shock.
I think I’ve come down with a headache induced by shock, if such a thing exists. Although I’m sure it does, because I’ve got it. Hmm ... maybe shock is the incorrect term (I’m making a concerted effort to be less dramatic, you see, but I’m finding it difficult).
No, after considerable reflection, shock is definitely a suitable description.
The thing that happened has never happened before and so I was caught unawares, off-guard one might say, if one were so inclined to use such a phrase.
What happened was this. There I was, diligently typing away on my sub-standard work computer when a terrible thirst came upon me. This was bizarrely combined with an urge to yawn. Hmm, I thought to myself, what on earth could I drink to quench a thirst but give me the perk-up I so badly need? A combination of water and coffee was the only answer.
And so, off I headed to the kitchen area to refill my water bottle and get myself a cup of coffee. As is my wont, I decided to let the coffee cool (black just like my heart, no milk, no sugar). I cannot abide hot coffee following a particularly nasty encounter with a scalding hot liquid and the roof of my mouth. Moving on. I returned to my desk with said cooling coffee and went about the daily grind, occasionally sipping from my mug patiently waiting for the magical ‘perk-up’ to take place.
About ten minutes or so later, the coffee was a perfect temperature, not too hot, not too cold and I was about three quarters way through the mug. It was then I absentmindedly decided to have a final slug of the liquid.
Never being one to miss an opportunity to work my little size five socks off, I continued to type with my right hand and I drew the mug to my lips with my left hand, taking a long gulp. No sooner had the coffee gone into my mouth when a bizarre sensation came over me.
“Holy Moley,” I thought, utterly panicked. “I need to sneeze, I need to sneeze immediately.”
A series of split-second thoughts flew like rapid fire through my mind’s eye. It’s truly phenomenal how quickly your mind works when it senses impending disaster. This all happened in a ten-second timeframe - possibly less, given how pressing the need to sneeze was.
As I saw it, these were my options:
a) Attempt to swallow the coffee before sneezing. This seemed to be the most logical course of action. Unfortunately, it was utterly impossible, my body wanted things to get out; I was not in a position to negotiate anything being allowed in
b) Rush to the ladies to spit out the coffee, thereby having a safe, relatively private environment to make a fool out of myself. This was also impossible. The toilet was at least 1,000 meters away (or thereabout) and, again, the immediate need to sneeze would have made such a move impossible.
c) The bin. I could attempt to innocuously lean over the bin, which was positioned next to my desk, quietly spit out the coffee, pretending nothing more.
This, I decided, was really my only course of action. While all of these things are going through my mind, I am actually choking to death and so I realise I have to make my move. I turn my chair towards the bin and start to lean down attempting to remain totally anonymous, when all of a sudden I can’t contain myself any longer.
Who knew coffee could take flight in such a manner? Who knew? I have an out of body experience as the coffee spews forth from my mouth showering everything in sight.
My hair, my cardigan, my top, my feet, my phone (both mobile and landline), my notebook, my pens, my computer screen, my keyboard, my desk, the cabinet next to me ... basically, anything that could have been drenched was.
It was coffee carnage ... not that anyone bloody noticed.
(Yeah, we did. And we all had a good laugh about it behind your back - Ed.)