STRESS management is about taking control, making healthy choices and letting go of unnecessary stressful behaviour, thoughts or feeling patterns.
What stops us from being able to say no to demands or requests made by others which we find difficult to carry through?
An integral part of our ability to say “no” is to really believe, at a deep level, that the request (which may be seen as very reasonable by the other person) will require an unreasonable amount of effort by us and that saying “no” is an acceptable response on our part. And so it follows that we often say “yes” when we mean “no”. Why is it so difficult to say no when every fibre in our bodies is crying out “enough is enough - more is not possible”?
Paulo Coelho in his book The Warrior of Light says: There is a word that many people have great difficulty saying: ‘No’. Someone who never says ‘No’ thinks of himself as generous, understanding, polite, because ‘No’ is thought of as being nasty, selfish, unspiritual. The warrior does not fall into this trap. There are times when, in saying ‘Yes’ to others, he is actually saying ‘No’ to himself. That is why he never says ‘Yes’ with his lips if, in his heart, he is saying ‘No’.
We need to practise checking in with ourselves to see if we are really OK saying “yes” and finding the balance between giving to others and caring for ourselves.
Another question to ask ourselves is whether we are able to look objectively at a task and say “this is good enough now”? Or are we afraid to say “yes, this is ok and I can let it go”? Maybe we feel unconfident and afraid to let something go unless it is perfect, which then results in things taking longer and backing up into an unmanageable workload or a backlog. I know from my own past experience that I can stay too long with something to get it right, and indeed my current experience in writing this column is that I can play around with what I say and how I say it forever. There is always more I would like to say and I often wonder what readers think of what I have written. I have to trust that I have conveyed the essence of what I want to say and have said it well enough to e-mail it off to the Editor and let myself move on to something else.
So, maybe we need to look at ourselves and our work honestly and ask if we are being given too much work to do or is there a bit of perfectionism getting in the way. Can we leave at the end of the day believing that we have given of our best and it was good enough? Can we go on holidays without wondering if someone is going to find a catastrophic mistake or mess we have made and let ourselves relax securely into our time off? Being able to trust in what we do can be very challenging, but we can work on this.
So, given that these are difficult times and work is demanding what practical strategies can we adopt? You can alleviate your stress by:
• Taking your lunch breaks and not working too long hours
• Taking your holidays
• Taking a long weekend every so often - having Friday or Monday off can really help. Don’t feel you have to go away - having to prepare and pack can add stress - you can have
a chill-out time at home too
• Take tasks one at a time and prioritise - most important first (not the one you like the best)
• Be assertive - say “no” to extra demands which overload
• Be realistic - no one is perfect
• Reflect at the end of the day or week on what you have achieved, not on what is not done
• If you are in a consistently pressurised job try to have 15 minutes daily relaxation or meditation
• Learn how to breathe abdominally and soothe your physical agitation
• exercise for about 30 minutes most days of the week - walking, swimming or cycling.
If you are concerned that stress is affecting your health or wellbeing, don’t try to handle it on your own. Go to your GP or speak to your line manager or HR Dept. If you feel more comfortable seeking support outside of work talk to a friend, contact your EAP scheme or a counsellor. There is help available.
Evelyn Burke, MIACP, Counsellor / Psychotherapist practising in Naas
www.naascounselling.ie