SO THERE I was in New York city when, all of a sudden, I found myself catapulted into the limelight.
Fame beckoned ... I’m simply sure of it.
Granted, I’m still expecting a call from TV executives, but it will happen ... any moment now.
I know you are excited and just dying to hear all about how I became a real life star, but please, calm yourselves, I will reveal all.
What happened was this … I appeared live on American TV with my good friend Vanilla Ice. Yes, it is true.
I mean, Vanilla was definitely not too pleased that I stole his thunder, but really, what could he do?
Obviously, I was the star of the show and he had no option but to stand aside and let me shine.
I mean, some could argue that he had no idea I was there … but he knew. Let me tell you this much, he knew.
My dearest associate and I were strolling down Fifth Avenue. I was doing my best Carrie Bradshaw impression and he was hell-bent on getting to some shop which sells Lego.
At some point, one of us – presumably him – decided we should do the obligatory tourist thing and visit the Rockefeller Centre.
I’ll admit to being mildly impressed by the elderly lady who was throwing shapes and showing off on the ice-skating rink outside but, other than that, I had no interest.
(This was actually to change on the plane coming home when I watched several episodes of 30 Rock, only to realise it is based in the Rockefeller Centre. I did get quite excited then … but it was too late.)
Moving on, after spending what felt like a considerable amount of time in Legoland, with only one of us enthusiastically interested in being there, we decided to mosey on towards more worthy pursuits. I won’t lie to you ... I had a pressing date at Macy’s make-up department which needed to be kept.
Just as we were leaving the Rockefeller complex, I noted a gathering of people to my right, who all seemed to be waving into the air.
“What are these fools doing?,” I shouted – much, much louder than necessary.
I turned my head to look at the big screen, which had been hoisted onto the side of a building.
It was then I realised.
“My God! Who is that vision?” I squealed.
“It’s Vanilla Ice,” said what’shisface.
“No, it’s not! IT’S ME!!! Look, I’m on TV, I’m on live American TV! YES! I’m famous!”
This is no word of a lie, reader. A live TV show was being broadcast right in front of our eyes and there I was on TV with Vanilla Ice. Yes, fine, I was in the background … on the street below Vanilla’s head, but whatever, all eyes were on me, I’m sure of it.
“I think you need to calm down,” said what’shisface, as I started into a rendition of Ice Ice Baby, while waving frantically at myself on the big screen.
“I will not calm down. I’m on TV with Vanilla Ice. Take a picture of me, take a picture of me and Vanilla, now! I haven’t been this excited since I met Brendan Courtney outside that drum and bass club in London a few months ago.”
“OK,” says what’shisface, with a shifty look in his eye, almost as if he is considering trying to pretend he isn’t with me – “I’ll take the picture if we can leave.”
“I’m not leaving until Vanilla leaves; I’m milking this baby for all it’s worth.”
And milk it I did. I mean, Vanilla got at least one minute’s worth of alone time on screen before I showed up, but once I was there, I have to say, I really stole the show. Like, if you were looking to the left of Vanilla’s head, just at his shoulder, I was all you could see, I really owned that space.
I only wish I had time to fashion a sign with my contact details on it, to make it easier for the TV execs and Hollywood directors to track me down, because I presume they are desperately trying to find me.
Until then, I’ll just have to go about my business in as un-star-like a manner as possible … although, hopefully, when I am tracked down, I will be able to maintain some level of composure. I’ll try to remember the little people when my name is up in lights ... I really will.