THERE have been some terribly exciting developments.
Terribly exciting.
It is a pregnancy – a real, live pregnancy. Thankfully, it is not me. However, it is my sister.
If I’m honest, I’m currently angling for the coveted position of godmother.
Intuition tells me she is having a boy, or a girl; there is a 50/50 chance, I suppose, but I have already decided I love them.
Hence, I am eyeing up the other possible rivals for the godmother title and am currently considering ways to have them terminated.
I have already drawn up a list of things I will teach the child, who I have decided is technically 1⁄4 mine.
This is how I reached the conclusion that they are 1⁄4 mine: he can be 1⁄2 my sister’s, 1⁄2 his father’s, then each family gets a percentage of the 1⁄2 and my percentage is 1⁄4.
So yes, he or she is 1⁄4 mine. (You sound like Rumpelstiltskin – Ed.)
The beauty of being an aunty and godmother (if the correct competition is taken care of) is that I will get all of the glory and none of the responsibility. I can swan in at the appropriate times, be fantastic and then leave.
Sure, I’ll consider changing the odd nappy every once in a blue moon, depending on the contents.
I must have that “depending on the contents” clause written into my godmother contract actually (if I get the gig, of course, which I will…once the correct competition has been exterminated).
I’m not suggesting I kill off the competition or anything; I’ll just create a situation where rival candidates are not available on the date in question.
In a bid to strengthen my position, I have also drawn up a step-by-step proposal on how I will contribute to the little person’s life in a meaningful manner.
From years zero to one, for example, I propose I could offer babysitting services, presents, occasional nappy changes (depending on nappy’s content), cuddles, singing, numbers, stories, colours and animal noises.
There are obvious flaws in this plan. For example, I do not believe babies care that one goes before two, but sister has a masters in economics and she is into those sort of mundane details, hence I am including it in my godmother proposal – but more for show than anything else.
Secondly, I am proposing that from years one to two I be given the role of baby stylist.
This will be excellent for the baby and will surely add to its cognitive developmental skills as it learns the intricate detailing of colour palettes and what shapes look best on baby body types. For example, baby will learn that the old saying “blue and green should never been seen” is, in fact, a myth.
Note how I have cleverly included folklore and legend into the plan: this will surely give me an edge over other godmother contenders.
I have also opted to include a pie chart detailing how I will turn baby into a “super baby”.
Essentially, the pie chart shows how I will help baby to walk by the age of three months. Basically, baby will be lured into casually strolling towards … a diamond. Yes.
Granted, this is a revolutionary technique, but given that baby is 1⁄4 mine, I’m sure it will succeed.
Of course, there are more proposals in my plan, which include self-defence classes from the age of three and skincare from the age of four. I’m toying with the art of sarcasm from the age of five, but I might have to run that by the parents.