IN retrospect, I should not have announced that sister’s boyfriend had managed to get out of going to the family shindig.
This merely opened a can of worms.
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I could see his eyes narrowing.
I could practically hear the “ding!” sound going off in his brain.
I artfully chose to ignore his silence; and even though I knew exactly what was coming, I just didn’t know when it was going to come … but I was prepared.
To be fair, he held out longer than I had anticipated; I presume he was attempting to construct some sort of viable excuse.
But of course – and I knew this would happen – he chose to drop the bombshell at exactly the wrong moment.
It was the wrong moment because he had behaved abominably the previous week and I had calculatedly decided to save up my giving out.
Obviously, he knew I had one up on him, so why he chose to try to wriggle out of the family shindig when he did is really beyond me.
It was a rookie error, friends ... a rookie error indeed.
So, when I casually mentioned the family shindig – which occurred almost immediately after he had behaved abominably – I was surprised that he chose that as the right moment to ask: “How come I have to go to that party thing with your family?”
I knew this was coming, of course, but I played along anyway, just to give him his moment in the limelight.
“What? What do you mean why?” I snarled – I knew this would panic him slightly because I think he had just hoped I would say “Oh do you not want to come, dear? Sure, don’t fret, you don’t have to.”
Obviously, I didn’t say that, because I was looking forward to telling him exactly why he had to come.
“Well, how come your sister’s boyfriend doesn’t have to come and I do?”
“He doesn’t have to go because he is doing something else,” I lie. “Why don’t you want to go? Hmmmm?” “Because, because, because …”
“Yes? What is it?”
“You will go off talking to people and I’ll be left there like a tool,” he moaned.
At this point, I almost feel sorry for him. I could be supportive and say something like, “poor dear, you are not a tool”.
But I don’t. Instead, I say: “You have a mouth for God’s sake, you can talk too.”
He has no comeback to this other than a half-hearted, “but I’m not like you”.
I have no time for this, no time at all. Like, I am aware he is not a performing monkey but you have to do family events when you are a couple ... it is the rule.
I mean, fine, my family might be a little larger and louder and scarier ... a lot scarier ... than his but suck it up, pal, they come with the package.
All this schmozzel merely confirms my suspicions that men are idiots.
Girls wouldn’t blink an eye at the thought of going to family events, they just wouldn’t. Men are troublesome and whiney … to be honest, I think we could do without them.
Unfortunately, it seems we are stuck with them, so what we are obliged to do, as women, is make them the best they can possibly be.
And with that in mind, it would be wrong of me to let him get out of going to the above-mentioned family shindig because that is the easy way out.
No, he must go – it will be character-building for him.
And he best not give me any more crap about it because I still have that speech about his abdominal behaviour up my sleeve.