YES, yes, happy new year and all that malarkey.
While you have been holidaying and the likes, I have been toiling in front of my computer doing my damndest to recall the highlights from my year. Overall, I think it is safe to say that 2010 was a hard year for me.
January, for example, was a hard month; I discovered someone had stolen my identity. Yes, it was some football pundit by the name of John Motson. Bastard. In an emotional diary entry, dated sometime in January, I recounted the exact moment I found out. It was when a callous friend sent me a picture via the mobile telephone. I wrote:
“Before me was a picture of a book with MOTTY emblazoned in red across the top.
“That’s MY name!” I cried, ever so slightly enraged.
“What is my name doing on a book and a f**king half-price book at that?!”
There was an elderly gent with headphones and a microphone on the front cover pointing his finger at me with half his head blocked out by the massive half-price sticker.
“WHO IS THIS PERSON?! Why has he got my name? What is going on here?,” I screamed at no-one in particular.
“I’m so confused! I don’t even know who I am anymore!”
Yes, emotional.
February was also hard month for me. This was the month I first realised I would have to partake in a torturous sporting event:
“Are you in training?” she says to me.
“What are you talking about, Mother?” I ask with a slight concern as to what the answer is going to be, which as it turns out, was a valid fear.
“The race! Are you in training for the ten-mile race in Cork?” comes to optimistic reply.
Me: “Am … no … what are you talking about? What ten-mile race? I’m not doing a ten-mile race!”
Mother: “Yes you are, you told your aunt you’d do the Ballycotton 10 with her.” Yes, if only I knew then what I know now.
March was another hard month for me. I completed my first and final road race. Here I recount the experience: “I think I came last. Actually, I think I might have come in second last … but I feel like I came first. Ah, who am I kidding? No I don’t, I’m bloody delighted it’s over. I’m never doing anything like that ever again for as long as I live, it was hell 10 miles a.k.a. 16.09344 km of utter hell.”
Poor, poor me.
April was another hard month for me. I decided to look into getting a pet of some sorts to fill the void in my life. Here I discuss the possibilities: “I’ve been toying with the idea of getting an animal of some sorts. A fish perhaps. Although that’s not an animal, is it. It’s not a mammal so it’s not an animal, or something along those lines, I’m not a vet so how can I be expected to know such things.”
I never did get that pet.
May was also a hard month for me. I was embracing a life of fat busting at the time. This is what I shared with you all: “I’ve discovered that now I am a part-time fat fighter I have become even more self-obsessed than usual, which in my case is quite the achievement.”
I’ve stopped the fat fighting but kept the self-obsession, that’s another achievement.
I’ve just had a quick glance at the remaining months of the year, yeah June was hard too, July was definitely hard, August was very hard, September was really hard, yeah, October was hard, November was extremely hard and December, well December was near impossible.